Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Watching Dad’s Videos
It’s amazing how watching videos of our lives changes so much after loss. My children ask to watch their Dad’s videos often. How I feel watching them now is so different from when I was watching them while he was alive.
A Lovely Valentines
This morning I woke up to flower petals strewn all over outside my bedroom and down my stairs to the kitchen.
I’m so grateful for the many people who cared about me today. Thank you.
Disneyland Again
Disneyland - The saddest place on Earth… Grant promised us we would go to Disneyland as a family. He died before we could ever make that happen. Because we promised the kids, I felt like I needed to keep that promise to them.
“I Love You Dad”
This picture was taken just a few days after his daddy died. He kept trying so hard to do the sign. I was watching every single finger move up.
Badass Mom
I am a Badass Mom. Ya know why? I caught this rattlesnake!! And I did it with a pole and my bare hands. Riley was there with the bucket to put over top, so I gotta give him some credit too. It was actually Riley who helped the most.
The First Time I Left Them
I was so afraid to leave them for the first time, after their dad died. I had to take a picture before I left. It was just in case it was the last time I saw them. I wanted to make sure to have that last moment with me captured. We didn’t have that when dad died.
Brother Power
I hear the sweet sounds of boys laughing. What I see is the most beautiful sight. The big brother reading to the little brother. I’ve been worried about big brother’s reading. Then we found a book series he loves. He can’t get enough of it.
Graduation
This little boy graduated from preschool. He’ll start kindergarten this school year. It’s too fast. He was 2 when you left and now he’s 5, graduating from preschool and on to the next thing. I do everything without you. I keep going and going.
I Love You
I’m standing in my bathroom, brushing my teeth. I think I’m alone and I feel alone. The kind of alone that feels lonely. I look toward the doorway and this little tiny human has appeared, startling me just a bit because he was so quiet.
Green Eyes
I recently read in a book that part of the alluring magic in classics like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings may be more real than we think. This author believes that she is learning to see it more and more. It's through the power of creation within.
In Baby Words
Just about a week after Grant died, I took the boys back to our previous home. The home we had just moved from 6 months earlier. We had the funeral near there. We were back in our old house. As I’ve looked back, I found something I wrote about that first week.
Epic Dad
As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.”
Christmas Day
If any of you really knew Grant, you’d know he’d have to be dead for us to get a dog… So this Christmas, we got a dog. Grant sent her to us. He found her and brought us together, another story. This story is about Christmas.
A Fight
My son got into a fight at school. He was suspended for a couple days. “Boys fight, it’s a part of growing up,” they say. It’s a part of human nature to fight. Fighting is conflict. I saw the fight and I saw two little boys, two humans with the objective of inflicting pain on the other.
Paying For Mistakes Part III
So what happened to my son to warrant him being so upset and running away because of this rock wall?? What could have possibly “made” him run away?? Well, let’s be clear, nothing made him run away, he chose to do that to cope with his feelings. Here’s why.
Paying For Mistakes Part II
Rhys’ additions to the wall didn’t end with his query into more changes. He felt he could do it himself. I’m guessing that last part where I said we’d have someone come to help went into the abyss of information a child cuts from his consciousness once he hears the answer he wants.
Paying For Mistakes Part I
I had put a rock wall up in the gym we had. It might have been some sort of personal guilt mixed with fear and excitement for a new place. What I wanted was a place in my home where the boys could be boys and I could still see them, hear them and know exactly where they were.
