Birthdays

My baby turned 5 yesterday.  It’s hard for me to say “our” baby now.  I don’t know an “our” anymore.  He’s now had 3 birthdays without his dad.  He got 2 birthdays with him, which was it.  This photo was his last birthday with his dad.  He won’t remember a birthday with him. 

Dads just aren’t supposed to die.  Jayce, the baby, he’s fine.  He doesn’t know life with a dad.  He’s so well adjusted. I look at him in awe at how well he’s doing.  His life is perfect.  His smile is genuine, every time.  He’s not hurt because his dad died. 

The rest of us… we’re still struggling.  I envy his ability to just be who he is.  He tells me I’m the most beautiful girl.  He tells me he loves me.   He sits on my lap and just plays with his airplane in a world of his own, not a worry to speak of. He’s happy.  I watch him. 

The morning after his birthday, I laid in bed with tears in my eyes. I had a really heavy heart, not because I was sad he had a birthday, just sad.  He just sat in my lap and flew his transformer airplane he got for his birthday. It flew to imaginary worlds far from here, all while only a foot away from my heart.

I felt the safety he felt, being a little boy playing on mommy’s lap.  He was so carefree, so happy.  He felt so content.  I’m sure he could have sat there for hours.   I nestled into him as I listened to the airplane noises he made as the plane flew.

I watched his big beautiful blue eyes follow the plan back and forth. I watched his copper curls bounce as he moved. I melted at his still pajamed little body living so happily in the moment.  It’s all I needed, just to watch this. 

To see his contentment and safety and to know that I have given him this, feels good. Not because I’m healed or healthy or perfect, because I’m his mother.  I love him and I am gentle with him, because I can only be gentle with myself. As I watch him, I feel better. 

I feel safer and I feel less alone with him.   His name-Jayce-means “a healing.”  When he was born, I knew he’d be a healing balm for our family.  I didn’t know why.  I just knew there was something about him that was healing.

From the moment he was born that’s what he did, bring healing.  Just with his presence it happens. So in this moment, as I’m feeling the depth of my sadness and sorry; the healing and joy I feel from being able to watch my sweet boy and see his happiness and sense of belonging and safety, that heals me.  
He is the one I needed today.  I’m so grateful he was born 5 years ago. I’m so happy that he’s still here. I still feel him healing us all.