Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Running Away Again
I had no idea where he was. It was late. He had no intention of coming back. He left me. He ran away, sneaky little guy. He’s 11 and gone. He thought he had us all fooled and he thought could get away from his life. I know that feeling, wanting to run, to get away from my life.
Knew That Was Coming
It’s finally been said. I knew it would be one day. I wasn’t expecting it till the teenage years really, but it makes sense it’d be now. I think it’s something every parent will hear when the other parent is dead. Those words that cut deeper than any other phrase.
The Grant Boys
We passed this sign every day on our way to Disneyland. It caught my breath in my throat every single time. And every single time I passed it, I thought we should get a picture of the boys under that sign.
The Color White
White is my favorite color. I love to wear it, see it, decorate with it, feel it, surround myself with it, and everything I buy; my first choice is white. Being the mom of 4 young boys and loving to wear white and have it all around is kind of a travesty. Nothing stays white, but that is because it shows everything, which is part of my point.
Flowers For Mom
My son comes in with flowers for mom. Dandelions. That beautiful bouquet of dandelions! My heart melts each time I see it. And to have that little plastic heart ring around one of the stems is so precious. Then when I look at him, he’s just gorgeous. I am biased, yes, I know. I’m his mom. So I will be and it’s ok.
Trail of Crumbs
The power of Influence vs force. I’m learning how to be in influence without forcing. I’ve discovered it starts with a process of accepting. It’s a process of acceptance in general. Today, my 9 year old son was reading at the counter. The floor was covered in crumbs and that bugs me, a lot. The crumbs bug me, not his reading at the counter.
Moped Memories
You told me you bought the moped to take the boys for rides. That was your excuse to buy it, the one that made sense and was logical. I know the real reason you bought it. When you lived in Hawaii that was your vehicle over there. I remember the stories you told me of how you felt free riding it all around the island.
I Tried Making Cookies
See that boy? That smile on his face while frosting cookies? It’s priceless!
They look like gingerbread or chocolate cookies right? No… those are sugar cookies. Why are they black you might ask? Well… that was my attempt at being domestic again. Yes, after all this time, I’m still not really sure how my family has stayed fed. We have somehow.
Angel Blessings
I can hear his laugh when I look at this picture. A squeal and a deep belly laugh all mixed into one. And those missing teeth… wow! It’s a moment to capture. With those 2 missing front teeth and an extra tooth next to the one that came out… well that smile… it says it all.
Stop To Create More
I know a man who doesn’t believe in God. There is no life after this one in his mind. I’ve come to a different conclusion, I’ve experienced life after this one, not myself, but through death, Grant’s death.
Eyes Tell the Story of Experience
When I look at pictures of my boys, I look at their eyes. I see their innocence. In the eyes one can see all what’s going on in the soul. I always seen a sense of naivety appropriate to their age. Its part of what adults cherish in the eyes of children. The naivety comes with not knowing the pain of loss, loss that ultimately happens in life if you are in it for very long.
I Saw A Flash of Movement
I saw a flash of movement. It was fast and it was dark. My oldest boy had just taken off on the one-wheel. I instinctively knew he was headed to the park. Anger flashed in my heart as I saw him fly down the street. He wasn’t wearing a helmet. It was dark. He was not wearing pants.
Back To A Place We’d Been Before
I had an oddly familiar feeling as I walked the grounds of this hotel. Why did I feel as if I’d been there? We had just made a pit stop on our 10 hour drive to visit Grant’s brother and his family. A potty break for little boys and stretching for mom. Now that I road trip as a lone parent and the only driver with 4 little boys, I like to take my time. I make lots of stops to enjoy the journey with boys, kind of like what I’m trying to do in life now anyway.
Brother Heroes
This picture makes me happy. I found it in my little boy’s closet. I don’t know where it came from. School is my guess. What this picture means to me is greater than words. These boys are smiling and goofing together. It shows togetherness. Two brothers who want to be together, play together, take pictures with funny faces together.
Evidence of Them, Evidence of Him
Seems like a random picture right?! Let me explain why this picture is significant to me. It’s 12 am and I can’t sleep. My boys however, are thankfully all asleep. I relish the quiet of the house at this hour. It seems to energize me when I should be sleeping. Then, I hear Grant call, ‘Come outside.’ I think, ‘Of course you’re outside.’ That’s when I see this.
Keep Dreaming Little One
This little boy of mine, he just fell asleep next to me. I watch as his eyes close, then open and close again. A few more times and then they stay shut. His eyelashes floating down to the longest length you can possibly see. They are like the long wisps of feathers, hovering over his cherubic cheeks.
Sleeping With Angels
My little boy is sleeping next to me. Nearly every night one of my boys asks, “Mom, can I sleep with you?” The question always gives me conflict. I see you. A tiny person who wants to be close to the big person who makes you feel safe. Who is safe. The one who they know is their ‘home.’ I fully understand I am their safe place.
The World Stopped
I try to protect my precious little boy from the world, drugs, himself and being like his dad, but I can’t. I can’t protect him like I want to. I can’t live like this anymore.
I Got a Cat
I got a cat, it’s our first one. Seems innocuous enough on the surface. The thing is, Grant hated animals. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word hate. I don’t want to misrepresent. It felt extreme like that with him though.
