Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Protected With a Partner
Women… how do you feel protected by the masculine in your life? Men, how do you feel the protection of the feminine in your life?
Heaven Calling
What should you do when you think heaven is calling? I mean like literally. What would you say if you could talk to your dead loved one, one more time?
Watching Dad’s Videos
It’s amazing how watching videos of our lives changes so much after loss. My children ask to watch their Dad’s videos often. How I feel watching them now is so different from when I was watching them while he was alive.
How I Met My Husband
Grant and I met at church. I had just moved to the area at 23. He was the self-appointed greeter. He stood at the entrance doors to the chapel.
Our Weekly Date Night
These last 4 years since you died, have been really tough on me. Because of that, I’ve been really angry at you, mostly for leaving me here, alone and to take care of things. It’s left me feeling betrayed and abandoned by you. So I’ve pushed you away. Please forgive me.
A Lovely Valentines
This morning I woke up to flower petals strewn all over outside my bedroom and down my stairs to the kitchen.
I’m so grateful for the many people who cared about me today. Thank you.
Date Nights with Grant
Dear Grant,
These 4 years since you died have been tough on me. I’ve been really angry at you and mostly for leaving. I’ve felt betrayed and abandoned by you, so I’ve pushed you away. Forgive me, I want to remember the good times.
Slam Rod Fire Starter Love Letter for Grant
You’ve got the voice in this one, your recording voice. That’s what we called it. It took time to develop it, but it’s a noticeable difference from the first videos. I used to tease you when we relistened to those first videos. You sounded so cute though.
Ninja Balls Love Letter
This is what started it all… it’s not the first video listed on TKOR; but it’s the first video we did that began our life of making videos. We did this project first in the backyard of our neighbors house. We didn’t have a backyard of our own yet.
Keep Smiling
It was as if Grant was there laughing with me. When it came to the one thing he wanted to say to me, he let me know. It's all good he was saying, ‘ I’ll take the shitty bathroom, you just keep smiling Janae.’
Critic or Magic
I used to be so critical of myself. This picture, after we took it, I remember thinking how frumpy I thought I was. My hair frizzy and not done, my clothes baggy, my back hunched, my elbows chubby and no make up on. I hated how I looked in those pictures.
Motorhome Dreams Dead
Here’s Grant in our motorhome. Well, what used to be our motorhome. I sold it after he died. I didn’t know how to drive it. He was going to teach me the weekend after he died, but he was dead, so I didn’t learn to drive it.
TKOR Beginnings
When we started, The King of Random, it wasn’t even called that, nor TKOR. It was a youtube assigned mixture of numbers. We had no comprehension of what it would become, how big it would grow, nor how it would become our lives. We did have an idea that it could, that it was possible.
That Beard, Well Goatee…
I laughed when I saw this picture recently. Mostly because the baby is looking at daddy’s belly button with so much inquisitive curiosity. It's like it’s the best thing he’s found so far. It makes me smile. I didn’t notice what he was looking at with such joy when I took the picture.
Epic Dad
As I’m going through more and more processing, not just my emotions but stuff around my house, I again go through things. Processing and going through boxes really are one and same in so many ways. Upon opening yet a few more forgotten boxes from our move last year, I found these little boys t-shirts that said “I have an Epic Dad.”
Grant’s Birthday
This picture is a screen shot from the video of Grant’s last birthday. He turned 38 in this picture. We had just finished singing Happy Birthday and our son added the part that goes… “ and many more of them too… and many more of them too… and many more happy birthdays, many more of them too!”
Grateful He’s Gone
Feeling Grateful I’m here. As I held one of my children, I felt a new sense of gratitude. The kind of gratitude that one can feel in the presence of a new perspective with an old thought. I held my boy and realized how much I loved holding him and how much I would miss him had I been the one to have died.
