Dear Grant…

Dear Grant,

What hurts me the most now is everyday.   It’s still everyday.  Every moment of everyday, the result of you doing what you did, it has left me raw.  It has left me with so many things I was not prepared to handle.  It has left me with each little boy hurting for a daddy and I’m not him; but I’m here and you’re not.  

It hurts me to see what they’re missing without you.  Boys need a dad.  You are their dad.  You are not here and I live the consequences of that everyday.  What happens to a boy when he doesn’t have a father?   

There are so many consequences to that, not just for them, but for their kids too. It can affect generations.  They don’t have a father role model, so how do they be a father to their children?   Will they even dare to have children of their own not knowing what it’s like to have a dad. 

Maybe there will be a fear of being a dad… I wake up everyday facing the day, knowing it’s all up to me.  Remembering when it wasn’t me alone in this responsibility.  You helped everyday.  Thank you for that.  

I probably didn’t say that enough then.  I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate you more.  I know I didn’t.  There are things I didn’t know you even did.  So when I do those things; like reset the water heater, or fill holes with spackle or fix the bike chains on the boys bikes when they come off, or set the sprinklers, or fix the dishwasher or move the washing machine and clean the garage, I think of you. 

I realize again what you had been doing. So many things I now know you did.  I do them now along with everything I did when you were here.  I’m worked to the bone sometimes.  I can do it all, it’s just hard.  I appreciate what you did, but I don’t think it’s fair that I should have to do so much of it now. 

I loved you with all my heart Grant.  I trusted you so much.  So much that I let you go flying because I knew you’d be you.  You were careful and had everything under control.  When you didn’t do that and died, you betrayed that knowledge I had of you. 

You broke my heart because what I thought was the truth became a lie.  I don’t know how to trust anymore.   I trusted you with everything and you broke that trust.  You promised you’d be safe.  You weren’t and you died.  That feels so rude.

 It puts such a hardship on me when it was you that promised to always be there for me and you’re not.  You were too reliable and too good at everything you did. So how can I love again when I knew you could never break my trust? But you did.  

There was no one like you. In my eyes you are not just special, you were spectacular. You were bigger, brighter and more than anyone else.  Not because you were better than anyone.  It was just who you were, who you are.  It was more than the average person in a way that was incredible.  

I saw that and loved it about you.  I saw that and loved what it did to you even when you didn’t love it in yourself.   I loved the greatness in you and that let it come out of you.   I gave you everything I had in me and then you left me.  

It just hurts so much even now. How can I ever love again when no one compares to you. Even when I find someone I like better than you.  Why?  It makes it so hard to move on.  I can’t and I won’t. I haven’t yet been able to work that out.

I’ll have to find another way.  I don’t like that I let you do that to me.  That I loved you that much, that I can’t feel love anymore over the hurt of losing you.  Did you know that I felt that way?   It hurts so much that I keep pushing good love away.  

I want the great love, the spectacular love, the bigger than life love that I had for you. If I can’t feel, how am I supposed to love like that again?  Jayce, he’s 5 now.  You’d love him so much.  He’s taken every ounce of love that he had when you were here.

 All the love you were capable of, he has.  He gives it so freely. I feel him showing me how the love you had lives on in an innocent way. The way that he gives so freely, is bigger than life.  It reminds me of you and if you could have loved yourself enough to feel that. 

It would have healed you.   You’d be healed so much that you wouldn’t have had to keep leaving to try and find yourself. You would have known your greatness in a healthy way, instead of proving to yourself over and over that you were great by the things you did. 

You wouldn’t have had to try to feel.  You wouldn’t have needed to keep leaving the earth to find something that was always right here before you.  If only you could have stayed long enough to experience what is possible here.  Right here with your family.

You kept trying to get away from us to focus on yourself until you ultimately abandoned us all.  I wish I could give you the love for yourself you kept looking for that took you away from all the love that was always here waiting for you.  I miss you Grant. 

I love you Grant.  I wish you were still here.  I wish you were that dad to my kids.  If you were to come back, I don’t know if I could love you again the same way because you hurt me so much while you were gone. If I’m being honest, I think I want to forgive you so I could just freely love you again. 

I don’t like that I could possibly do that because you hurt me so much; but I just want to love you and I hate that I can’t  just love you right now. It’s what I want and the only thing I can’t have.  So what do I do Grant?  What would you tell me?  Hum… 

That’s a question I’ve actually never asked myself.  What would you do?  What would you want me to do?  I couldn’t ask those questions before because I don’t think before, I could feel what the answers would feel like.  I’m sorry I was scared of that.  Maybe soon…

I’ll try to do that.  I’ll start with one question and see if I can answer it the way you would have. I want to see if I can solve things the way you would. I’ll let you know what I come up with.  Well Grant, it’s been nice talking to you.  

I’m sure we’ll do it again.  Until then… It's been a long day.  I wish I could tell  you about it.  I’m sad that I’ll have to wait so long and have so many more days pass before that could even happen. 

Love,

Janae