Living is a whole new adventure when you suddenly find yourself alone, widowed and the mother of four young boys a lot like their Dad.
Sundays Are So Different
I found a video of me asking Grant where he was while we were at the airport. I wanted him to tell the camera audience. How could I have known the meaning of the question “Honey, where are you?” would become so vastly different.
“I Love You Dad”
This picture was taken just a few days after his daddy died. He kept trying so hard to do the sign. I was watching every single finger move up.
Paradox
I look at my little boys. I want to give them everything I have. I want to always be there for them. Even though I know that’s impossible and ridiculous, I try. It’ll be three years in just a few months that their father, my husband and lover will have been gone. I continue to feel the loss.
I’m Having a Baby
No, not me, I’m not having a baby. I saw a friend's pregnancy announcement on Facebook. It happens all the time. I just happened to notice this one. What affected me about this one is that she is my same age. We started having kids around the same time and she’s still married to her same husband.
Do I Really Believe What I Say? No, Not Anymore
Back to that night in the park, the one I remembered from two weeks before he died, it’s haunted me since. Why? Because there is more to that night, the story and the last thing I said. When I think back on how I used to think… wow… I can’t believe I said that 2 weeks before he died. Do I really believe what I say? No, not anymore. Not when I tell a lie I didn’t think was a lie then, but don’t realize it is until it’s too late.
Heart Expansion
What is a Broken Heart? I remember the first time I had a broken heart. When I really felt pain inside my heart. It was mild compared to what I’ve felt since then, but I didn’t know that yet. It felt like my world had ended.
Grant’s Last Day Alive
It started like every other day of our lives. The ending was like no other day had been. I will never get the events of that night out of my head. I will never get the feelings of that day out of my heart. The day, it couldn't have been a more tender and sweet last day. Grant woke early and left around 6 am to go flying. He loved the morning flight time, just as the sun was rising and the heat hadn’t hit yet. It invigorated him.
Sleeping With Angels
My little boy is sleeping next to me. Nearly every night one of my boys asks, “Mom, can I sleep with you?” The question always gives me conflict. I see you. A tiny person who wants to be close to the big person who makes you feel safe. Who is safe. The one who they know is their ‘home.’ I fully understand I am their safe place.
One Dirty Shirt Left
Right after Grant died, I realized he, as in his body, would not be around to smell wonderful or terrible anymore. I found myself frantically going through the laundry to see if I could find any clothes that still smelled like him. I needed a shirt or something that still smelled like him. Damn! I was too efficient with the laundry.
